My Modified World...
Thursday, August 28, 2003
hmm...yes, a delightful night spent watching The Two Towers with me dad. unfortuneately the silly human can't keep the characters straight and he insists that Legolas is a fairy...ha ha ha...*scowls*
so what else? oh ya...i found out i'm not the only person in the world who doesn't use salad dressing, as i had previously believed anyway. (yay Richard!) i FINALLY picked up a copy of The Stand by Stephen King at the library today. i've been looking for a copy for two months and they always say it's out...but HA! i have one now! muahahaha! 87 pages into it already. but considering i have 1141 pages to read in total that's nothing to be proud about yet is it?
hmmm...what else? what else? OH YEAH! i get to do step two of my navel projet soon! i'm stretching my navel from (i think) a 14 gauge to a 10 gauge!....booyah! should be fun...hmm....i have such great plans laid out for my mods! i'm going to get my ears pointed i think...have to read a bit more into it though, assess any major risks and the like. *sighs* ahh the wonderful life...lol
oh man, i had the wierdest "dream" last night. i wasn't quite asleep yet but it seemed like the sun was rising and i was looking through a sort of haze, the kind you feel when you're really tired. i was talking to someone and i could hear what they were saying but i couldn't hear their voice. it was like i just sort of knew what they were saying inside of my head. i dreamed that it was asking me about the scars on my ears, "what do you miss most" it asked, i told it i missed my 8 gauge lobes. "you've never had 8 gauge"it said . "i know, it's a part of me already" the conversation continued on from there, it knew everything about me. it told me about who i was and who i was going to be. "who you are is nothing you can hide from Riceel, it will nag at you until you tell the world and it can be free...just let yourself free" it was so strange, it felt so real. i could feel myself moving around in my bed, i could feel the dresser beside me as i banged my arm off of it. and i have bruises to prove that i did so. my dreams have always had an alarmingly real quality to them. sometimes i can't tell the difference between them and what really happened. i'll wake up and for ages afterwards i'll think that the actions carried out in dreams were real. sometimes my dreams come true too. they come back in a form that i can feel, that i can sense and touch. an overwhelming feeling of deja vu is what it's best described as, but even deja vu doesn't come close. it's not just a feeling of actually being there, but i know i have been there before. sensed everything inside of me, felt it all before and knew exactly what to expect.
wow....i just realized how wierd i sounded there....too bad it's against my beliefs to go back and delete anything that i've written.......
Wednesday, August 27, 2003
wow, five days left until school starts...right now i'm trying to figure out if this is a good thing or not. i tend to like school, even if i don't like the people that i have to be there with. or sometimes it's the other way around, and i like the people but hate the classes. i don't think that school is either a major like nor dislike for me, but it is like everything else in the world just another rite of passage. it has to be done at one point or another, and for me, there's no escaping it.
still the thought remains of what career to pursue, what direction i wish to take in life? so many thing i wish i could do, but i'm afraid of not having the talent for them. i'm afraid of being mediocre and boring, and just "there". my entire life i've secretly felt like i'm neither here nor there, like i'm just in the middle, totally and completely average. that's not a fun thought for me, i have individualistic ideals, i like the thought of being different, and becoming "me" but there are so many things holding me back.
take body modification for example. for YEARS something has felt as though it has been missing from me. a gap that needs to be filled almost, but i think it's better described as a feeling that my body isn't really mine. i didn't get to choose anything about it when i was born so it isn't mine. it's a compolation of my mother's and my father's bodies, as well as past generations because my parent's aren't truly themselves either. some people can argue that it's that combination of DNA, that truly unique combination which can never occur again (save for the idea of cloning) is what makes us us. but for me to be who i think i am i have to be able to make my own decisions as to who i am. when i look at pictures of certain body modifications i just know, deep down inside, that for me this is THE way to take the mental idea i have of myself and bring it forward to the physical me. for me to truly be me i have to take how i look into my own hands, and finish off what genetics gave me.
but who am i? how can i even begin to look like who i know i am when i don't know who i am on the inside as of yet? sometimes i feel lost within my own thoughts and ideas and i get confused as to what it is that makes me me.why is it that some people know always, while others have to struggle for years, and then a select few will never even know? why is it that who we are has to be disguised within us so deeply that we cannot even know?
"to find who you are you have to explore who you aren't" i can't remember who said that, but i'm sure it was someone who understood where i'm standing now. as i sit at my computer at this very moment people are trying to make me plan where i want to be for the rest of my life. what i want to do, where i want to live, how i want to live, and who with. i have only had 16 years to figure out who i am, and so far all i've come to realize is a lot about who i'm not, and a tiny bit about who i am. why is it that people are being harrassed to make decisions about the rest of their lives before they've even had a chance to experience a lot of the things that'll effect them for the next 80 years? it all seems to come so quickly down on me. it doesn't seem like all that long ago that i was sitting in my first grade classroom with 30 other stunned kids, back then the biggest decision we had to make was what colour we wanted to use to draw our pictures with. now, at the ripe-old-age of sixteen i have people asking me where i want to be in the next twenty years. and if i say i don't know yet they get on my case about it.
"you know, you won't be young forever" they say...and i do know i'm not going to be young forever, which is precisly why i'm enjoying it while i can. ya i'll be serious sometimes and sit down and think about where my life is headed. but i'm still just a kid. the world is asking me to make decisions which i am not yet old enough to make while at the same time telling me i'm not old enough to make them. so, at 16 i can decide where i want to be in the next 40 years, but i can't decide to get a tattoo? i can decide what career i want on my own, but in order to have my septum pierced i need parental consent?
*sighs*
"that's just the way the world works"....bah....the world doesn't spin so smoothly for some, and it's right fuckin off it's axis for some.
Monday, August 25, 2003
spork....
tis the word of the day. i'm tired today, and i'd like very much to just hide under the coffee table and stay there until everything goes away. it used to work when i was little. i used to hide under the coffee table when i was upset so i could calm down. i think i need to stop reading things, it makes me feel like crap sometimes. today i was fliping through this book called 1000 Extrodinary Objects (it's all about wierd things that humans use in everyday life) and i was reading about some kind of way to make steaks. just reading about what they do to the cows almost made me hurl (just be happy i'm not cruel enough to write it down here, it's quite disgusting). then i came online and started reading about melanoma, please remind me not to read about any possible health problems that i may have. now i'm even more paranoid...well, scared acutally...i'm scared outta my mind. Dr.Seybold said the chances are pretty thin that it's malignant, but there's still a chance. he sugar coats things though...bah!
anywho, it's Charlie's party tomorrow. i have to take Jenn home afterwards cause she doesn't have a ride, it's all good..i haven't seen her in a dog's age and i was begining to miss her. she's a real sweetheart, she's had it hard the last few years, but she's still a total sweet heart. hmm....something totally shocking, my arms are tanned. i did not notice this before...how odd. i guess i'm not the queen of pallour anymore. it's Ryan's fault though, i spent so much time outside talking to him yesterday so it's all his fault. *shakes fist*
anywho...onward!....must go look around and check for updates on BME and other such lovely sites...
Sunday, August 24, 2003
mum sent me an e-mail today. it brought me to tears. i know she reads this now.
mummeee i loves you very muchness... and you've been a great mother to me, despite the fact that i miss you throughout the week, and i don't talk to you like i should. thanks for worrying.....
Friday, August 22, 2003
"One thousand words cant bring you back, I know because I tried. One thousand tears can't bring you back, I know because I cried. You left me with a broken heart, and lots of memories too, but I never wanted memories... I only wanted you"
that's a cute quote...cant remember where i got it though. oh well.
i'm kind of tired right now, which is strange cause i'm usually pretty hyper at this point in the day. dad made burgers for dinner and i could barely bring myself to eat it, just the thought of meat made my stomach churn for some reason today. but i ate it anyway, i need my protein i guess...my back and my shoulders are so sore today, i haven't been sleeping properly. i can get to sleep alright but i wake up at like 4 in the morning and cant get back to sleep for a few hours. i have the constant feeling that my life is buggered over, but i won't know for sure for a few days time yet. it's too early to tell. too damn early. bah...
no one is online...i need someone to bug, i don't get much of a chance to talk to anyone anymore. i can't wait until Charlie's party though, it should be good fun. it'll be nice to see everyone, i don't think Emma is going though, which is cruddy...bah...
i'm going to tell Carry to leave me alone i think. it's been two days since i got back into contact with him and already i can't stand him. i have never seen anyone go through that much weed in the space of a few hours, it's crazy. the kid is a major pothead and i really can't take that shit right now, i don't need to be worrying about him.
i miss Tric, but i guess that's to be expected isn't it? **sighs**i can't even go to the funeral because it's in BC. i don't think i could handle that anyway, i find closure in different ways. i know he's dead, but he's not really gone. he's still affecting my life, and he will no doubt be affecting my life 20 years from now. he helped me realize who i really am, and that no matter what i should be proud of myself. it doesn't seem like it was his time though, but it never does unless people die of old age. he seemed like he was too young, and indeed he was.his grandmother sent me some of his stuff, the things she knew that we shared together. just looking through all the little things we bought for each other, and the dumb toys he was always playing with brings back a whole new flood of memories. i wonder if she hadn't sent me that stuff would i even remember half of those things? would i think about the time we got lost in toronto, if it weren't for the keyring he bought with the blue-jays logo on it?would i remember the time that we lay out in his grandmother's back-yard all night, just staring at the stars if i didn't have the little guide book that we used to name those stars?
sometimes i worry that i'll completely forget those things, and that no matter how hard i try i won't be able to bring them back. i'm afraid of forgetting what his voice sounded like, and what his cologne smelled like...the thought that he won't be around for a lot of things in my life bothers me, and that we'll never be able to do some of the things that we planned together bothers me, but it truly scares me that one day i might not be able to remember him like i do now. my memories won't be like this forever, i know that they'll fade over the years. will i remember his name when i'm 85 years old?
i'm just so scared of being alone, before i thought that Tric would always be there for me, no matter what. well, he's still there in a way isn't he? but that's just not the same. nothing is ever the same though, every single tiny thing changes your life, it's just hard to notice sometimes.....
bah, i'm getting silly now. i'm going to bed....
Thursday, August 21, 2003
went over to Carry's new house today...well, he's been there since April, so it isn't all that new i guess. i went there simply trying to distract myself from the world. to try and make my mind calm down enough so i could have a co-herent thought. just something that didn't involve pain, something taht wouldn't let me think about bringing emotional pain "to life". i just can't seem to stop thinking about Tric.i know he's gone but i just don't know it....does that make any sense. Carry and Anthony tried offering me some ways of getting my mind of Tric. i just couldn't bring myself to smoke the bongs they kept packing for me. there was no way in hell i could do that, that shit helped bring Tric down. i had doubts before about going Straight Edge, that maybe i couldn't do it. that maybe i'd wuss out. but there's no way in hell i'll go back to that shit now. if Tric didn't have THC in his system he could have reacted better when he got cut off on that fucking highway, and he might be sitting with me now drinking chocolate milk and watching Ren and Stimpy re-runs. but he isn't here now is he? and i'll never be able to hang ot with him again, i'll never be able to tell him how i really felt about him now will i? so many things i wish i could have said to him...and none of it i'll ever be able to say...
if i only could have been more upfront about everything, then maybe things would have been different...he wouldn't have been out driving stoned, he wouldn't have been stoned at all. he would have been here with me, watching fucking Ren and Stimpy cartoons......
fuck...i'm going to bed....
Wednesday, August 20, 2003
Tric died last night.
Car accident.
FUCK...
i don't even know what to think right now. i can barely see straight and i don't know if it's from my tears or from this pain, just burning inside of me. it feels like part of my heart has been broken off and taken out, like that part is dead. i keep thinking that tomorrow he'll come over, and he'll be there to talk to me, and tell me it was just a joke. that he's ok...it would be like him to play a joke like this. but it's not a joke. he really is gone...this line keeps repeating itself in my head "he said he'd love me forever, but i guess forever just ended"...it's supposed to be used when a guy breaks up with a girl that loved him, so it wouldn't make sense to a lot of people. it's something Tric and i used to say to eachother....something that no one else can ever understand.
i'm going to go for a walk...i think...just clear my head a bit...
FUCK...
Tuesday, August 19, 2003
wow...i'm "one of the guys" apparently...now don't i feel special? i think guys find it amazing that i'll participate in conversations that "good girls" shouldn't think about...and i don't get all grossed out and defensive when they're talking about girls. ya...quite often i'll have my own opinions on the same things that they're talking about...the exact same things.
bah..i'm going to stop that there before i say something i'll regret later...;-)
anywho, what's new? nothing really...i went to the orthodontist this morning, and that fucking sucked. i'm in a severe amount of pain and i'm on the liquid diet again, only because i can't chew anything cause my jaw is so sore. bastard...wow, that could almost be thought of as something rather perverted. oh god, moose has gotten to me, my mind is fucked. hahaha.....well, it was pretty perverted before anyway.
i'm tired, i've already been awake for 15 hours and it's not even ten yet! i'm doomed! this isn't right...i've been awake for too long, and during the day...boo! hiss!...hmm, maybe i'll have a nap and go do somethign later...not sure what though, but i'll figure something out. or i could just stay online and bug people...or i could go watch some dumb movie with dad. oh ya, that's exciting....bah!....*cries* i'm soooo tired....but if i go to bed now, i'll be awake at like 7 tomorrow morning, and that's just INHUMAN!
*cries* i need ice cream...haha, dad just got me some and i didn't even have to ask! wow....i must be telepathic, or really pathetic looking...
gah, my teeth hurt.....*cries*
Sunday, August 17, 2003
"i'm sorry, it's over now...it's over it's my turn now...it's over, the game's shut down...sorry"
i'm messed up today, but that's nothing outta the usual. that always happens, and it's always worse when i've been reading all day. i guess i'm just tired, but again that's nothign outta the usual. i'm going to make myself a pair of bondage pants this week...then a new skirt...i'm on a low budget again this fall so i'm going to be making most of my clothes. i've already got this really kick ass semi-formal outfit planned.....booyah.
ack...my world is spiraling again. i know i've messed up again, but there's no way to fix it. at least i don't know anything for sure yet, so there's always hope.
i'm scared about my doctor's appointment in kingston...i really don't want to think about it. i have to wait until October 23rd to go though, so at least i can hold onto the hope that they don't think it's serious....yayness, i guess
bah...i'm going to die a premature and painful death...or have a bunch of kids and end up living with some mullet sporting dumbass in his stingy little house on Mary Street...
it's hard to think of which one would suck more.....
tric, if'n you're reading this...give me a call...i NEED to talk to you!
ahh...bugger it...i think i'm gonna go call you anyway
Saturday, August 16, 2003
hmm....i feel the need to have another piece of metal pushed through my skin. i think i'm going to make another attempt at having my lobes pierced again. I've had them done three times before, but the first time they became infected (yay girlguide camp), the second time i found out i had nickel-dermititis, and i had an allergic reaction to the jewellery, the third time just rejected. they were healed up, but they still migrated. all three times were done with a piercing gun, which i now know is a MAJOR no-no! so if i hear about anyone getting anything pierced with a piercing gun i will yell at you...just DON"T! ok...so i think i've convinced my parents to allow me to get my lobes done again, this time properly. with a gauge that isn't too thin, with proper jewellry and NO PIERCING GUN!muahaha...for some time now i've been thinking of getting this done, and if all heals well, i'm going to stretch my lobes up to a 00ga i think...that'd be nice (in my opinion anyway, mum's gunna hurl when she sees that...but that's some time away anyway) i simply cannot wait until i've got the cash to get my mods done. i'm getting my septum pierced as soon as possible, unfortuneately that'll be in a little under three years because mum won't let me get it done, and live in this house at the same time. i'm getting venoms done too (double tongue piercings, side by side). i'm going to stretch my navel too, to a 10ga i think...so many mods...hehe...i'll spare you the plans and ideas for all of them...it makes a lot of people uneasy.
hmm...my cat is strung out on catnip. great, my cat is a drug addict.
Charlie is having a party at his house soon, it's an overnight thing. unfortuneately my parents will not allow me to spend the night, so i have to go home the same day...haha on them cause just for that i'm going to make them pick me up at some ridiculously late hour. HA! see, if they'd just let me go get my damn G1 this wouldn't be a problem much longer...but my parents are afraid of me being on the road, and i don't think that anyone blames them.
anywho, i'm going to go continue working on my parents to pay for my lobe piercings....
MUAHAHAHAHA!
Friday, August 15, 2003
fuck it, let's rock!
ya, i'm terribly hyper today, but that's begining to become the norm for me, which is strange. the power went out today, i was in the middle of reading some info on stretching piercings and everything went off...bastards, why can't you people just go one day without the fucking air conditioning??? do something other than sit at home and waste electricity...at least i was doing something worth while (in my opinion anyway!) BAH!
i have the song Heave Ho! by Smash Mouth stuck in my head. it's one of the songs they had before they went all wussy and mainstream. SELL OUTS! bah...hehe
ya, i'm supposed to go see the Infidels and the POLiDiCKS again tonight, but i can't get a hold of the person i'm supposed to go with, so i think i'm screwed...*shrugs* if all else fails i'll go stalk Mike...perhaps, perhaps, perhaps...
tra la la boom-de-eh,
there is no school today
our teacher passed away
we shot her yesterday...
ya, you know you have too much time when you start destroying harmless songs...the children will have nightmares for weeks...MUAHAHAHAHA
Thursday, August 14, 2003
oh my god, i think i'm partially deaf. the power came on just before the concert started so they played it loud, really loud. one of the bands, I Hate Sally, didn't show up...but that's otay cause Fisted and the POLiDiCKS kicked all ass. it was beautiful, Alex Herst had his shirt off before they even started playing(mmm, mmm, good)...ya, it was an awesome concert, the music rocked royal...there's another one tomorrow with The Infidels headlining i think...that will totally kick ass, if i can go that is. ya...i really want to go to that, i've been obsessing over the Infidels since grade nine...i was totally in lust with their lead singer...*sighs* but thats the way it is with me....i love music, and the boys that can play it. haha..i sound like a tramp..
tazzer and i are going to start a new band. my old one failed miserably because my drummer and bassist were bonking each other and broke up, which as a chain reaction split the band...bastards..lol j/k Tric and Stephie...my sorry
anywho, i have to go to Kington in the morning...so ttfn
Tuesday, August 12, 2003
hmm....tired today, but that's nothing out of the usual. had a doctor's appointment this morning and i have to go see a specialist in Kingston sometime soon, whenever they can make me an appointment anyway. didn't do much of anything else today. went downtown to mail some stuff, ran into Mike and went and talked to him for a while at his appartment. such cheesy attempts at getting into my pants have never been made before...he holds the new record for number of cheesy lines. after that i went and got my ticket for the concert and came home and fell asleep upstairs for an hour or so. right now dad is doing the dishes cause he lost a bet, so he has to do them until Labour Day, no ifs ands or buts about it.
anywho...anyone else out there in the wonderful Prince Edward County area is going to the POLiDiCKS concert, e-mail me or somethin...i want to know who all is going so i can harrass some people
**hiccups*....anywho...must go...have things that need to be done.
oh ya....i'm going to dye my hair again...can't decide between purple or turquoise...oh well...it probably won't get done until the weekend, cause i don't feel like doing it myself....
Monday, August 11, 2003
oh joy! oh rapture...OH FUCKING YA!!!!
POLiDiCKS concert...Thursday 14th, 9 pm, Wellington Legion!
YAY YAY YAY!!!!
*ahem*...must...calm...down....
muahahahaha....
oiy...sorry...just really very hyper today.
flesherton was awesome funness...but i'm glad to be home now cause i get to sleep in my own bed. i have a doctor's appointment tomorrow...oh joy.... but ya, that's about all i have to say...if you live in the area, and i don't see you on the 14th...you suck...
anyway...must go, i haven't got anything to say anyway
*has wild fantasies about Justin Wisteard*...oh baby oh baby....*looks around* sorry, he's the lead singer of a band i'm seeing on Thursday....*drools*
Sunday, August 10, 2003
bah...i'm so lost. as usual i'm feeling totally strange and fucked up. the transition from an alcoholic drug addicted smoker, to a straight edge kid ain't helpin either. or maybe it is. all the chemicals in my system sort of blurred my vision of what was truly going on (and i think that's why i did that shit in the first place). in a sick way it's nice to see how messed up i am. i don't know how to feel about anything anymore. it seems no matter what i feel i manage to hurt someone, which i never meant to do. sometimes i think it'd be better if i never felt anything at all, then no one would get upset with me, but i'm afraid of not feeling. and i know that sometimes it truly feels like i don't exsist, it feels like i'm lost and worthless and fuck....i dunno....words are so inadequate....i can never seem to put what i mean into proper words. misworded things can upset people, or make it so thy don't understand...and there's another shitty situation. it seems as though it's impossible to go through life without pissing at least one person off, and i truly hate it when people are upset with me. i hate letting people down. but sometimes it's too much for me. sometimes i just can't handle trying to avoid hurting anyone all the time, or letting them down, or confusing them. but if you aren't perfect all the time people think you're a bitch, which isn't good....FUCK! make it stop...
i'm having a skitzo moment....leave me my lone. so many thoughts and words running through my head and i can barely describe the simplest of ones in a way that makes sense. i can't even understand my own mind, so why would i think that someone else could even being to try.
september is going to be hard for me, i can just feel it. it's going to have another major breaking point and another total melt down. or maybe it'll be better, maybe it'll take my mind of things, but i can't avoid these things forever, sooner or later i'm going to have to deal with it all....even though i'd really rather not. i miss being a kid, so young and naive. emotions in their simplest forms and things always seem good because you don't know anything other than fun...well, that's not true...it wasn't always fun, but for some reason it felt easier in this, maybe because no one expected anything much from you...they just expected you to have fun, be a kid, doa whole lotta nothing. but when you grow older people begin to expect things of you, and at the same time you're going through all these major changes and your life always feels like it's on the brink of exploding.
man, i'm tired....maybe that's it..i'm just tired
no, it's not, nice try Gracie....
Tuesday, August 05, 2003
woo hoo...my most exciting day yet. today i watched the first half of Welcome to the Dollhouse on TV, then i went to Barrie with dad and grandma to visit my brother and his girlfriend. we went to a Chinese food buffet, actually it was Cantonese cause real Chinese food isn't like that. *shrugs* it was yumma none the less.
and that's the excitement of my day...and sadly enough it's not even nutshelled...my day really was that slow...although today i found out that i'll be here until sunday or monday, so that's good...methinks...have to find something to do
i'm cold, i'm bored...i'm lonely and this house SCARES ME!!!! it makes funny noises that i'm not used to...and last night something was screaming outside my window and it sounded like it was dying...*cries* make it stop mummmeee....
Monday, August 04, 2003
i wonder if i will ever go to bed at a decent hour, or is there no hope for me? today was spent rather interestingly. first off i woke up and had to make myself understand that the people on TV weren't speaking english, nor had they been before i went to bed. taht disturbed me a bit, considering my easy understanding of what was going on in the TV show. i met Richard today. four hours of conversation in the park while avoiding sunlight. strangely enough he's just as i pictured him, which is odd for me. i always have these highly unlikely ideas of what people will look like before i meet them, and i'm always wrong. dad made me come home for dinner today. i hate having to do that, especially today. i was having fun and then i had to go eat dinner with my dad and grandma. ugh. i hate grandma's cooking. not a pleasant thing at all. after that i called Jenn and made her come pick me up. and dispite her kind offerings of stalking someone i opted we come back here and watch a movie. sometimes stalking isn't a good idea, especially when you might not want them to think you're crazy...well, creepy crazy anyway. Jenn and i watched Igby Goes Down. tis a good movie, very spifferific. mucho yumma graffany. ;-) it's odd though, the trailers for the movie make it look as though it will be a fairly happy movie, it's really rather dark, and slightly depressing. you end up feeling very sorry for these people and they're fucked up lives. some really great acting too..which is rare these days because people stop caring after they get their million dollar paychecks *sighs* ahh....to be young and optimistic again. maybe taht's what i could do, become an actress...haha...ya...right...
i'm good though. that's the sad part.,....i just have absolutely no faith in myself so i'll end up in some stupid desk job for the rest of my life and be married to some jerk off with 3 kids and a second mortgage on a shitty little place in my hell-hole home town......
ahh the life.....:-(
today's phrase: "you fucking niblit head"
Sunday, August 03, 2003
i'm tired today. but then again i'm always tired, ahh...the life of an insomniac. i'm in flesherton now, it took dad an extra hour and a half to get ready to leave this time. he's getting better at it, i think. yesterday Jenn, Justin and i went to owen sound to see Pirates of the Carribean, needless to say there was also a stop at Wal-Mart and Dollarama as well. today i got up a little later than i was hoping, but i can't say i didn't expect it. i only slept for maybe 4 hours last night, which for me is really freakin good. i went to Justin's and we watched Darkness Falls. it was perty good, kinda dumb in some spots, but it's a horror movie so that's to be expected. after that we wandered down to the ice cream festival, but we were too late, and because of the rain they had all packed up. *shrugs* didn't look as though it was anything worth while anyway.
ya, this next bit might be a little disturbing for some people.....triggering for those who can understand
for the first time in a long while i felt the urge to cut last night. just thinking back on how many dumb decisions i've made in my life, and how i've allowed myself to be used in such truly demeaning ways. but it was disturbing because i know that doing that to myself is stupid, but the urge is still there. it's been ages since i've last done it. *sighs* sometimes i really hate myself, and contrary to what people think i don't want attention...i just want my mind to stop letting me think that i'm so disgusting and stupid and all those other nasty things i used to believe. but i suppose if the urge is still there then so is the belief that i am all those things. they may not be as powerful as they once were, i can control them now, but they're still there. just lying in bed, before i go to sleep is always the worse time for it all. it tends to be the only time when i actually slow down enough to let my mind wander a bit. but the feeling is still there, like something is behind me when i'm awake at night, like every little noise in the house is something waiting for me to make a move. i probably sound like a psycho but i don' t really care anymore. i know that there is something wrong with me, there isn't a doubt in my mind. it's just that the people who need to recognize that fact never do. i hate that feeling. whenever i have a blank moment it creeps in, the thoughts of destroying parts of myself with a razor. there aren't many of you that will understand that. and it's likely that most of you will be repelled by it, i don't want to think this way.. let me assure you that if i could change that part of me i would, quite gladly in fact. but try as i might it's been a part of me for quite some time, longer than i can remember. but in the begining it wasn't as bad as this...the thoughts only came when i messed something up really badly. the images didn't even exsist back then. over the years things got really bad for me..but there were times, somtimes whole months without a single one of those thoughts. but the events in grade nine (ask if you need to) gave me a hell of a push in the wrong direction. now there isn't a single day that i don't think about it. it's almost been a month since i've hurt myself though. and for that i'm proud. it's not as easy to give up as one might think...if i had just started it in my teen years then maybe it'd be gone already, but for me this is something that has gone on for as long as i can remember. the first time i actually remember hurting myself was in day-care, that was when i was four or five. and now that everyone has a highly tarnished image of me now i'm going to bed. if you're freaked out by me now then bugger off or deal with it, but i don't want a shite load of e-mails complaining and telling me how stupid i am. i know taht i'm stupid....trust me i don't need to be reminded of that fact.
Friday, August 01, 2003
For those of you that know me, here's a way to understand me....the words i use are on the left, what they really mean are on the right.....AND NOW YOU KNOW!
-shaboo ~ pencil
-shibnit ~ pen
-spiffy ~ cool, excellent or fashionable
-kewl ~ cool
-cha ~ yes
-sponge-head ~ anthony, anyone overly dense though strangely polite
-underpants ~ definitately the coolest word on the planet, said randomly and without warning
-droogies ~ a Clockworkian term, used to refer followers or brain-washed zombies (friends)
-orgasmic ~ great! terriffic! often used sarcastically
-mouse orgasim ~ used to describe a small, squeaky noise, hiccups for example
-holy used kleenexes batman! ~ an exclamation used in response to the extremely obvious statements my friends come up with
-I'm in the real world now ~ said when spaced out in history class, generally means that you aren't paying attention and are thinking about Johnny Depp
-pron start ~ used like the word underpants, randomly placed in a conversation to scare the normals
-the normals ~ the people that aren't me or my closest bestest buds
-what month is it? ~ i'm not joking people, if i ask you this it's because i seriously don't know
-Poky ~ if you live in Vancouver, or Japan...send me more!!!
-shabroodled ~ stuck with something "i got shabroodled with this dumb topic"
-shemengy ~ messy, smelly
-Mannie, Manda, Mandi, Amanda, Amy, Nemo, The Ghost from Christmas Past ~ it's all the same person
-Emma,Emily, Em, Leno, Lenolias, Frodo, Unsent ~ it's all the same person
-Ninnie, Nin, Nicole, Nikki ~ guess what? the same person
-crisps ~ chips
-dorkus malorkus ~ a Bart Simpson phrase, used to describe the overly geeky
-zaa ~ pizza
-mlick ~ milk
-IDGAF ~ i don't give a fuck
-Charles, Sam, Eddie, Wu-Wu, Chan Wufei, Riceel Greyweasel, gee, vampyre, vampy, freak, gracie, gerac ~ all me
- My Book ~ my black hardcover sketchbook, or my blue spiral bound notebook....don't touch them
-wooptah! ~ i don't care
-driftwood ~ someone with no personality, doesn't know how to have fun and is terribly boring
-mumbler ~ people who don't speak clearly, even after you yell at them
-my Doccies/the Good Doctors ~ Doc Martens
-Heylo ~ my version of hello, said only to the special people in my life
-nungas ~ boobs, said only around Kendall to bother her
-the bat-cave/Chamber of Whips and Chains ~ my bedroom
-Out Front ~ outside the front doors of my school
-Sunnyside ~ the preppy-druggie place where i never EVER go, the left side of the school
-The Art Wing ~ Superat territory, the lunch spot
-Superats ~ my group, means Overpower in Latin....we sort of dominate the school now...."Vote for us and put the first goth in the House of Commons" ;-)
oiy...sometimes it's better not to ask your mum what she's making for dinner. *hiccups* she sort of cleaned out all the leftovers that dad and i had been "hoarding". she sort of cooked everything up and told us to take what we wanted...and considering i'm not going to be eating much of anything this week i should keep my strength up. i love my grandma to death, but it should be illegal for her to cook. today was not to bad on the whole. i bought myself new jeans, finally. my old ones were literally begining to fall apart. i got myself a new shirt too, one of the only times i actually shop at the mall...all the sales girls were looking at me funny. i guess they aren't used to seeing someone like me walk into a store like taht. i look like a little street urchin or something, a dirty little punk/goth....lol...i am a dirty little punk/goth, *shrugs* go figure...
anywho, i should go get my shit in order, i need to pack....
